I just wrote this for Dirty And Thirty
Hey, at least I’m being honest.
Do you think any of your friends actually saw ALL nine of the best pictures.? They did? If they don’t work in the film industry, they’re lying.
There are a lot of predictions out there. And as someone who saw at least five (?) of the nominated films, here are my predictions based on —
—telling people the Oscars are “my Super Bowl” and usually getting bored somewhere after the opening number but before the “in Memoriam.”
I’m not going to BS you and predict ALL the categories. Let’s be honest, NO ONE really has any opinion on categories like, “best foreign film,” (Okay. Just because you spent a semester “abroad” doesn’t mean you care either) or best “sound design” (WHAT. DOES. THAT. EVEN. MEAN?!) So, Here are my predictions about the categories I think most people care or at least pretend to care about:
LEO. Come on. It’s about time. Also fun fact: do you know Leo gets submerged in water in pretty much all of his movies?
Romeo and Juliet. Check.
The Beach. Of course.
The Great Gatsby!
And yes, even Wolf of Wall Street.
This is how I imagine most of Leo’s meetings go:
LEO: LOVE the script. But can I be in water at some point? Water really brings out the color in my icy blue eyes.
DIRECTOR: What was that? Sorry. I was lost in your eyes…
Regardless, Leo deserves an Oscar for this for the countless times he’s been covered in what I imagine is freezing cold water.
MY PICK: Leonardo DiCaprio for outstanding lifetime achievement in water associated performances including Wolf of Wall Street.
Amy Adams did two accents in American Hustle. TWO. Wow. Isn’t that the rule for winning best Actress? You either play someone with a mental disability, have an accent, shave off all your hair, transform your body or wear a wig. Not to mention, Amy gave a pretty spectacular performance.
BUT here’s going to be the real deciding factor:
I strongly believe that the dress the nominees for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, decide who’s going to win, unless a nominee doesn’t attend, then it usually goes to absent actress. Case & point: Katharine Hepburn won four Oscars and never attended the ceremony. Coincidence? I think not.
Don’t believe me? Check out this chart:
As you can see, every Oscar winner for Best Actress is dressed like they are going to win an Oscar. That look is a cross between a princess and a prom queen. Like Gwyneth’s iconic pink dress or Halle Berry’s renown red gown. So I’m going to say Adams is going to win it based on her performance. BUT if Cate Blanchett’s dress screams, “I’m about to win an Oscar!” then it’s really anyone’s game
MY PICK: Amy Adams for American Hustle or whoever is dressed like they are going to wear an Oscar.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
I want to say Jennifer Lawrence. I actually think her performance in American Hustle was better than Silver Linings Playbook. The whole nail polish bit, the accent, the dancing, she really becomes this character and killed it. But REALLY it’s all about the dress.
MY PICK: Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle or whoever is dressed like they are going to wear an Oscar.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
I think it’s going to be Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club. He really transformed himself into his character. And again fitting to the Oscar rule, best actors are typically given to those that really take risks, like wearing lipstick.
MY PICK: Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Her. Really great movie, really great script. Curious though, were those ridiculous pants written into the script? I’m dying to read the screenplay to see if Spike Jonze wrote something like:
INT. THEODORE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Theodore wears these super unflattering tweed pants that basically go up to his chest. They are SO ugly. Like REALLY, REALLY, UGLY. I cannot emphasize enough how disgusting these “pants” are. But it’s the future so it works, you know?
QUESTION: Are these really the pants of the future.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Can they not be?
MY PICK: Spike Jonze for Her.
12 Years A Slave. I didn’t see it. But everyone I know who did was so moved by it. I didn’t hear one person say anything negative about it. Also, it won the Golden Globe, which is pretty good indicator sometimes I think? Not to mention the academy is predominately white, and this movie is about slavery. So…..
MY PICK: 12 Years A Slave.
I don’t think it’s going to go to Scorsese, even though I saw Wolf of Wall Street TWICE. (I love me some LEO!) Honestly I don’t think it was Scorsese’s best work. I think it’s going to go to David O. Russell for American Hustle, mainly because it rhymes! Russell, Hustle…(I swear I went to film school). Also because he got some stellar performances from the whole cast. Not to mention I checked my phone only once during the entire movie, which is personal a record. I deserve some award for that.
MY PICK: David O. Russell for American Hustle.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
The Great Gatsby was this year?! I feel like we must give credit where credit is due. Do you know how many people had Gatsby theme parties this year? Coincidence? I think not. Also if we give an Oscar to Gatsby for costume design, can we STOP having these Gatsby parties and start having American Hustle theme parties? Cause I look great in polyester.
MY PICK: The Great Gatsby.
BEST MAKE-UP & HAIRSTYLING
Is Dallas Buyer’s Club nominated because of Jared Leto’s make-up? Cause I’ve seen better-looking drag queens. Was there any prosthetics in that film? There was? Sorry, I looked at my phone like 10 times during this movie. I think the gold should go to Bad Grandpa. Cause wow. That’s Johnny Knoxville under there? Insane. Also I love the idea of calling Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa an “Academy Award Winning film.”
MY PICK: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa.
Gravity. Because, you guys…. they shot that entire movie in space!!! Can you believe that?! *
*I know they didn’t actually shoot that entire movie in space. But from the trailer I saw, they sure made it look like they shot that entire movie in space. And cinematography is all about “making movies look good,” I think? So they nailed it. Cause while I was joking about thinking this movie was shot in space, I’m pretty sure there are people out there who actually thought this movie was shot in space so….
MY PICK: Gravity.
So those are my Oscar predictions for the categories people care or pretend to care about. Again, I’m not a film critic. I didn’t even see all of these films.
What do you think? Who are you putting down on your Oscar ballots?
Follow-up Question: Can I cheat off of your Oscar ballot?
Featured Images via here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, & here.