Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

02

Apr

And just when you thought you couldn’t possibly read another Buzzfeed list or watch another Wolf of Wallstreet parody… Half Day Today! comes up with this gem.

Wolf of Wallstreet meets Buzzfeed in this hilarious trailer parody.

Proud to have worked on this. Yep. That’s me with the boobs/accent. Thanks mom for both!

22

Mar

I have a new post on @HelloGiggles about my misadventures on #Tinder. And with this I’m canceling my account. 

hellogiggles:

MAKE THE FIRST MOVE ON TINDER… FOR FEMINISMby Gabi Conti http://ift.tt/1lcrLSg
I have a new post on @HelloGiggles about my misadventures on #Tinder. And with this I’m canceling my account.

hellogiggles:

MAKE THE FIRST MOVE ON TINDER… FOR FEMINISM

by Gabi Conti

http://ift.tt/1lcrLSg

01

Mar

OSCAR PREDICTIONS FROM SOMEONE WHO SAW SOME OF THE MOVIES THIS YEAR

I just wrote this for Dirty And Thirty 

Hey, at least I’m being honest.

Do you think any of your friends actually saw ALL nine of the best pictures.? They did? If they don’t work in the film industry, they’re lying.

There are a lot of predictions out there. And as someone who saw at least five (?) of the nominated films, here are my predictions based on —

—telling people the Oscars are “my Super Bowl” and usually getting bored somewhere after the opening number but before the “in Memoriam.”

I’m not going to BS you and predict ALL the categories. Let’s be honest, NO ONE really has any opinion on categories like, “best foreign film,” (Okay. Just because you spent a semester “abroad” doesn’t mean you care either) or best “sound design” (WHAT. DOES. THAT. EVEN. MEAN?!) So, Here are my predictions about the categories I think most people care or at least pretend to care about:

BEST ACTOR

 

LEO. Come on. It’s about time. Also fun fact: do you know Leo gets submerged in water in pretty much all of his movies?

Titanic. Duh. 
Romeo and Juliet. Check. 
The Beach. Of course.
 The Great Gatsby!
 And yes, even Wolf of Wall Street.

This is how I imagine most of Leo’s meetings go:

LEO: LOVE the script. But can I be in water at some point? Water really brings out the color in my icy blue eyes.

DIRECTOR:   What was that? Sorry. I was lost in your eyes…

Regardless, Leo deserves an Oscar for this for the countless times he’s been covered in what I imagine is freezing cold water.

MY PICK: Leonardo DiCaprio for outstanding lifetime achievement in water associated performances including Wolf of Wall Street.

BEST ACTRESS


Amy Adams did two accents in American Hustle. TWO. Wow. Isn’t that the rule for winning best Actress? You either play someone with a mental disability, have an accent, shave off all your hair, transform your body or wear a wig. Not to mention, Amy gave a pretty spectacular performance.

BUT here’s going to be the real deciding factor:

THE DRESS

I strongly believe that the dress the nominees for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, decide who’s going to win, unless a nominee doesn’t attend, then it usually goes to absent actress. Case & point: Katharine Hepburn won four Oscars and never attended the ceremony. Coincidence? I think not.

Don’t believe me? Check out this chart:

As you can see, every Oscar winner for Best Actress is dressed like they are going to win an Oscar. That look is a cross between a princess and a prom queen. Like Gwyneth’s iconic pink dress or Halle Berry’s renown red gown. So I’m going to say Adams is going to win it based on her performance. BUT if Cate Blanchett’s dress screams, “I’m about to win an Oscar!” then it’s really anyone’s game

MY PICK: Amy Adams for American Hustle or whoever is dressed like they are going to wear an Oscar.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS


I want to say Jennifer Lawrence. I actually think her performance in American Hustle was better than Silver Linings Playbook. The whole nail polish bit, the accent, the dancing, she really becomes this character and killed it. But REALLY it’s all about the dress.

MY PICK: Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle or whoever is dressed like they are going to wear an Oscar.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

 I think it’s going to be Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club. He really transformed himself into his character. And again fitting to the Oscar rule, best actors are typically given to those that really take risks, like wearing lipstick.

MY PICK: Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

 

Her. Really great movie, really great script. Curious though, were those ridiculous pants written into the script? I’m dying to read the screenplay to see if Spike Jonze wrote something like:

INT. THEODORE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Theodore wears these super unflattering tweed pants that basically go up to his chest. They are SO ugly. Like REALLY, REALLY, UGLY. I cannot emphasize enough how disgusting these “pants” are. But it’s the future so it works, you know?

QUESTION: Are these really the pants of the future.
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: Can they not be?

MY PICK: Spike Jonze for Her.

BEST PICTURE

12 Years A Slave. I didn’t see it. But everyone I know who did was so moved by it. I didn’t hear one person say anything negative about it. Also, it won the Golden Globe, which is pretty good indicator sometimes I think? Not to mention the academy is predominately white, and this movie is about slavery. So…..

MY PICK12 Years A Slave.

BEST DIRECTOR

 


I don’t think it’s going to go to Scorsese, even though I saw Wolf of Wall Street TWICE. (I love me some LEO!) Honestly I don’t think it was Scorsese’s best work. I think it’s going to go to David O. Russell for American Hustle, mainly because it rhymes! Russell, Hustle…(I swear I went to film school).  Also because he got some stellar performances from the whole cast. Not to mention I checked my phone only once during the entire movie, which is personal a record. I deserve some award for that.

MY PICK: David O. Russell for American Hustle.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

 

The Great Gatsby was this year?! I feel like we must give credit where credit is due. Do you know how many people had Gatsby theme parties this year? Coincidence? I think not. Also if we give an Oscar to Gatsby for costume design, can we STOP having these Gatsby parties and start having American Hustle theme parties? Cause I look great in polyester.

MY PICK: The Great Gatsby.

BEST MAKE-UP & HAIRSTYLING

 


Is Dallas Buyer’s Club nominated because of Jared Leto’s make-up? Cause I’ve seen better-looking drag queens. Was there any prosthetics in that film? There was? Sorry, I looked at my phone like 10 times during this movie. I think the gold should go to Bad Grandpa. Cause wow. That’s Johnny Knoxville under there? Insane. Also I love the idea of calling Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa an “Academy Award Winning film.”

MY PICK: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

 

Gravity. Because, you guys…. they shot that entire movie in space!!! Can you believe that?! *

*I know they didn’t actually shoot that entire movie in space. But from the trailer I saw, they sure made it look like they shot that entire movie in space. And cinematography is all about “making movies look good,” I think? So they nailed it. Cause while I was joking about thinking this movie was shot in space, I’m pretty sure there are people out there who actually thought this movie was shot in space so….

MY PICK: Gravity.

So those are my Oscar predictions for the categories people care or pretend to care about. Again, I’m not a film critic. I didn’t even see all of these films.

What do you think? Who are you putting down on your Oscar ballots?

Follow-up Question: Can I cheat off of your Oscar ballot?

Featured Images via here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, & here.

28

Feb

This “Vintage” Forever 21 Clueless Shirt is Only Available for Kids and I am LIVID

This is all kinds of wrong.

This awesome must have shirt is only available in kids sizes.  Really Forever 21? REALLY. Also you have a kids section now? Cool it. 

Yes. I know some may say I am too old to STILL be shopping at Forever 21. But this was just a slap in the face. And isn’t this girl a little YOUNG?

That girl wasn’t even BORN when Clueless was around. I feel like she’s mocking me. She probably doesn’t even know what a VHS is. 

I want this shirt. I need this shirt. I will LIVE in this shirt. Clueless is my favorite movie of all time. And I want a clothing item that expresses that to complete strangers. But the closest thing I could get was this:

Which I recently bought from Forever 21 during a nervous breakdown at The Grove. The Godfather is not my favorite movie. I don’t even think I saw The Godfather in it’s entirety.

Which I know as an Italian who went to film school is sacrilegious. Sorry Dad!  Embarrassed Emoji. 

But back to the issue at hand. Clueless is VINTAGE now? Really? Does that make me vintage?!

I just can’t. 

If you need me I’ll be in the quad looking for my Cranberries CD.

29

Sep

hellogiggles:

THE ART OF SELFIES
by Gabi Conti
http://bit.ly/1fU360p

Happy Selfie Sunday, Y’all. New post on Hello Giggles. 

hellogiggles:

THE ART OF SELFIES

by Gabi Conti

Happy Selfie Sunday, Y’all. New post on Hello Giggles. 

03

Sep

Throwback TUESDAY: Unitards & Unemployment An Entry from My BlogSpot

Someone messaged me on Blogspot asking for tips on how to make a fashion blog after reading this entry. I can only assume this was a joke. But it made me re-read this. I wrote it 4 years ago when I moved to LA. Now on hiatus I find myself relating to this too much. 

I was just reading the paper, and by paper I mean googling words and then clicking on the “news” tab to see if they are newsworthy.  

 

I just googled the word of my post college existence ”Unemployment.”  And up popped this headline “Florida Unemployment Stuck at 10.7 %”.  Stuck huh?  Nice word choice Business Journal.  See I read Business Journal.  Okay it’s the Jacksonville Business Journal, it’s a step-up from Perez Hilton.  Back to “stuck” why “stuck?” Where is the unemployment going?  Is it a competition?   What’s the next headline “Finally, Florida Unemployment is No Longer Constipated We Hit 10.8%, At Last.”  

 

Another fun fact, I keep misspelling ”unemployed” and “business”, perhaps this is why I am jobless?

 

As you can see, this whole “being unemployed thing” is getting out of hand.

 

Today’s accomplishment: instead of driving, I walked from point A to point B.  For the whole three-minute stroll I was paranoid that the LAPD was going “pull me over”.  Can you even pull over someone walking? 

 

It’s come to the point that when I actually have a meeting I’m an hour early, because seriously what else do I have to do?  So I just sit in my car and chill.  I can’t call anyone because usually I’m underground.  So I write.  Writing by hand is an interesting thing.  I don’t do it as often as I should, so my handwriting kinda looks like a child’s.  Actually no, I think children write more legibly then me.  It’s getting bad, somehow my “O”s look like “A”s, so when people read my handwritten name they think it’s “Gabi Canti” well at least my “O”s don’t look like “U”s…

 

You would think that having all the time in the world would make me super productive, NOPE!  All of this free time has made me incredibly lazy.  I realized I think my biggest accomplishment this entire summer was seeing John Mayer perform twice.  See, only a skillful jobless person like myself could pull this off.  When I saw his 10:03PM tweet that he was having a secret midnight show at hotel cafe, I was there by 10:07.  It’s not like I had a job to go to the next day.  And when he had another show where you couldn’t buy tickets online (such a strange concept) instead you had to physically go to the Troubadour to get an armband that you couldn’t tamper with.   This really pissed off the girl behind me who was “so hung-over and like seriously had to shower ASAP or else…”  anyway yours truly was there with bells on.  And by bells I mean my “beltlace”  I stole from Mr.T.  FYI beltlace is a belt/necklace, yes I just made up a word, I’m also trying to make “Linner” (lunch/dinner) happen.  

 

Since I’m unemployed I do yoga like it’s my job.  And by yoga I mean core fusion (http://www.exhalespa.com/mind-body-classes/core-fusion/) which is like a mix of yoga and Pilates, it’s sooo LA, even though you can do it in almost every major city, yes, even Boston. I say “yoga” instead of “core fusion” because no one really knows what core fusion is, also I don’t want to explain that it’s also Pilates because once I put “Pilates is something fat people do to feel good about themselves” in a script, which isn’t really true and I didn’t mean to generalize, I was really just referring to myself last summer who made Tasti Delight a daily habit and would literally sit on the floor in a Crunch Pilates class spacing out, not really moving, not breaking a sweat and definitely not getting a workout.  Hence Pilates is something fat Gabi did to feel good about her self last summer. 

 

I also clean a lot. I’m becoming my mother it’s really not pretty.  Each morning I wake up between the hours of 11AM and 1PM, and I make my bed.  No one sees it so I don’t see what the difference is, but I do it anyway.  Every time I cook something, and by “cook” I mean make a salad, grill something on the Foreman or microwave, that’s really the extent of cooking I do.  After “cooking” I HAVE TO Lysol the counter and Swiffer the floor.  I am my mother.  But today I didn’t feel like cleaning.  I’m on strike. 

 

People always ask me, since you don’t have a job, what do you do all day?

 

To which I reply “Go fuck yourself”

 

Probably not the best thing to say on a job interview.

 

But today it figured it out.  What I do all day is: work out, clean, cook and eat.  Minus the whole eating thing I’m pretty much a 22 year old real housewife of New Jersey.  ’Cept I don’t have have a Sugar Daddy… yet.  Just my real daddy who tells me I need to stop impulse shopping and getting parking tickets because I don’t read signs.  Sorry dad!

 

So I caved in.  Today I had an interview for a part time job.   Which my dad told me I should make a full time job because seriously what am I doing for the other part of the time?  I tried explaining to him about my very jam-packed days of waking up around noonish, working out, cleaning and eating, he didn’t buy it.

 

The job is to work retail at a store I worked at for about five years in five different locations but for some reason they had to re-interview me, I guess to make sure I didn’t get fat.   

 

I was chatting with the very perky manager on the phone the other day who told me it was super important that I wear my most fashionable outfit to the interview.  Oh yeah and to bring my resume.  I love how it is more important for me to look fashionable then it was to bring my resume.  

 

I told her sorry, my ripped “boyfriend” jeans, flannel shirt, fedora, booties and every accessory I own are all in the wash so I hope it was okay that I wear my second most fashionable outfit, my teal “Cool Catsuit” and matching Skrunchie (see photo above).  

 

But I ended up opting for something safer, shorts, and a blazer with heels.  I couldn’t get over the looks I got in Santa Monica walking around in heels and shorts before noon.  I should’ve worn the unitard…

 

Speaking of unitards, why did American Apparel all of sudden decide to sell “disco clothes”? There is a reason disco is dead.  I’m pretty sure I saw the same pink nylon see-through button down in there that they made this girl throw out on What Not To Wear.  Did Dov (what kinda name is that?) decide in the early 90s, you know what America needs?  More spandex, pleather, and nylon, and partially pornographic pictures of quasi-attractive homemade models.

 

I’ll leave you with these inspiring lyrics from Chicks on Speed “Fashion Rules” enjoy:

 

Fashion is for fashion people

It’s hard to be cool if you don’t follow these

rules

Fashion is for fashion people

Get out there now and break the rules 

17

Jul

sexwoes:

BRB slow dancing in a burning room. 

I wish I could say this was true for me, but I have neither a boyfriend or John Mayer tickets. :(

sexwoes:

BRB slow dancing in a burning room. 

I wish I could say this was true for me, but I have neither a boyfriend or John Mayer tickets. :(

13

Jul

hellogiggles:

THIS ONE TIME AT CAMP: I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT MY LIFE IS NOT A MUSICAL
by Gabi Conti
http://bit.ly/15aGUbo

Another post on Hello Giggles. Can I go back to camp now?

12

Jul

sexwoes:


I’m fine. I promise. 


Truth.  Follow this blog. So funny.

sexwoes:

I’m fine. I promise. 

Truth.  Follow this blog. So funny.

11

Jul

sexwoes:

Too Much Sex And The City…
Love this blog

sexwoes:

Too Much Sex And The City…

Love this blog